


Factitious

by Surisun



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Altered Mental States, Consensual Violence, Fake health issues, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Other, Sickfic, Staged rape, attention seeking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-01-05 20:43:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12197076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Surisun/pseuds/Surisun
Summary: Clay jensen hates Hannah Baker..He hates her deeply and passionately and so freaking endlessly. .She took what was his and he would never forgive her..For as long as he can remember, Clay wanted to kill himself, he wanted to end his miserible life more times than he cared to count but just before he finally gets enough nerves to do it, Baker had to ruin everything and steal everyone's glamorous attention, leaving him behind to drown in his useless existence as usual  ..





	1. Look at me , I am right here

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING OF MENTAL ILLNESS THAT MAYBE TRIGGERING..
> 
> *This is a fictional work about a true illness , like Google likes to define it ,  
> Munchausen syndrome is a factitious disorder, a mental disorder in which a person repeatedly and deliberately acts as if he or she has a physical or mental illness when he or she is not really sick. Munchausen syndrome is considered a mental illness because it is associated with severe emotional difficulties.  
> *So, if you don't feel comfortable reading this please don't ..  
> *There is a rape scene in this chapter. .

Clay jensen hates Hannah Baker..  
He hates her deeply and passionately and so freaking endlessly. .

She took what was his and he would never forgive her..  
For as long as he can remember, Clay wanted to kill himself, he wanted to end his miserible life more times than he cared to count but just before he finally gets enough nerves to do it, Baker had to ruin everything and steel everyone's glamorous attention, leaving him behind to drown in his useless existence as usual ..  
And for what?!  
Seriously! All he kept thinking about while he was listening to the tapes was what a freaking drama queen she was! all of what she said was NOTHING in comparison to his own sufferings and dilemmas .She kept blaming everyone like she was an angel whom was trapped in hell but when the truth was that if tender miss sunshine Hannah Baker lived his life she wouldn't even make it to high school, didnt she see other people around her going throght so much worse in thier own lives?! But he guesses that she was so self centered, gone far in her own world to notice his own darkness and depression for example, looming around him like his freaking shadow. He was thinking about how at least Hannah had tentive parents who cared and not like his emotionally unavailable ones, she was so mad about her friends being a bunch of jerks, well he never, had any freinds before to even know how that must felt..  
She was so busy making tapes and planning for a freaking melodramatic ending to really work little bit hard on fixing what she had, cause unlike him she had a good base to build on.  
If she was so sad of being bullied for few months, he spent his whole life being ignored or being an easy target for jokes who loved to hurt weaker kids..

When he met her, well, he wouldn't deny the initial attraction he felt towards her , especially since she was the only person who talked to him nicely and showed any kind of real interest about what he was talking about , so of course he liked her.. He tried being nice, or he actually improvised isince he never had a friend before and he didn't exactly know how he was supposed to deal with people , but apparently, he either pushed it little far or she was little bit crazy since it turned out that she received his kindness as him being in love with her and not having the guts to tell her! Some how she missed the fact that he was even struggling to love himself let alone anyone else,..  
Seriously, she was a mess , and he wished he never got involved with her ..

"Hannah Baker" he wanted to tell her,  
"I don't think what we had was love..and if you thought it was, YOU should have told me, I was hurting and as unstable as you would ever had been and sure enough I would like for some one to save me too , so don't you dare blaming me ! I didn't freakin kill you !"

............  
He was a lonely child but his parents didn't invest much of their time on him anyway.  
They both worked and had a whole other life outside this house and he was never part of it..Apart from few pointless rules and small words exchange every day, he wouldn't say they really excited anyway.  
One of the silly rules is when his mom told him he should go to bed at 9:30 every night, since then Clay religiously went to bed at the same time every night. Not cause he was a good obidient little boy or that his parents cared , in fact , Neither of them bothered with his sleeping schedule ever again ,but he kept on following the daily routine since he aleady spent all his day laying on bed playing with his phone or doing some homework , so going to sleep was essentially just putting the books down and switching lights off .  
One night however, when he was 10 , he spent most of the night tossing and turning in bed with no apparent reason, so he decided to get up and get himself a glass of water from kitchen.  
As he silently descended the stairs, he was able to hear his mom on phone, swaying a glass of wine in hand while she talked. It was really late, but his dad was not around, so he figured that he didn't come home yet.  
Feeling curios, he sat between the bars without his mom seeing him ,feeling excited to hear one of the adults conversations.  
His mom words were little bit slurred but he could understand her perfectly, 

" it is the 3rd time this week" she said  
"He says it's work but I am not stupid ...I think, no I know, he is having an affair "  
She took a long sip of her glass,  
" He is a terrible lier, last week I found his shirt in laundry wreaking with that disgusting perfume again. ....I don't know how to fix it. I am not doing the pregnancy thing again , it only worked to keep him around for a short awhile anyway but it is no freaking way that I conceive another baby who turns up to be another failure..."

Clay eyes went wide and his breath hitched before he blurted up and walked slowly to his room with the idea of getting a glass of water no longer in mind, all he could think about was the fact that his existence was just an attempt of his mom to keep his dad around and that he was only a failure in his mom's eyes..  
That even his mom didn't really love him..  
............

His dad was a psychiatrist but if you asked him, Clay would never tell you that he was a good one despite all what his patients said about his amazing skills.

Clay didn't know how the man can spend all his day listening to people who have depression and anxiety but still miss all the signs when it came to his own son.  
The son who was currently caving on himself in his room because his life sucks load and he hated himself.  
But to be fair, it was not like his dad was around enough to notice him and recognise it anyway. Sometimes, Clay would wonder if his dad still aware of the fact that he has a son at all, or if he still even know the name of this mentioned son.

There were long days when he did not see his dad and then when they finally meet at dinner once or twice a week, his dad would ask him carelessly how was he doing in school and stuff with no true interest behind the question, so Clay would always say 'fine', not because it was anything true,but because he knew that his dad wouldn't care anyway , no one ever cared..

........................

Needless to say how much School was difficult for him..  
He was not anything special. He passed his tests with pretty average scores, he was not in to sports or theater or any other social activities. He wasn't really good looking and until that growth spurt that hit him at the beginning of senior year he was a short and scrawny kid that anyone can easily pick up on.  
Middle school was torture for him.  
Despite always being the quiet kid who blinds with the back ground, Kyle Anderson was a jerk bastard who went to school every day solely to make sure that Clay's life is a living hell. He was beaten, made fun of, his things were stolen, his bicycle tyres were pierced every other day and when he was 14 ,Kyle started calling him "Clay the gay" and tease him about it every minute in the day which of course led to other kids doing the same thing , too.  
So yeah,It was a horrible year..  
The comments that were thrown at him when he was changing in the lockers room or simply walking to class through the hallway were too mean and humiliating , he never sat with other people during lunch and soon enough he found himself sitting in one of the bathroom stools everyday, crying his eyes out..  
0This was the first time he thought about killing himself. .  
However, after summer vacation when he started high school,by some miracle every one seemed to forget about him, maybe cause Kyle had transferred to another school or maybe cause there was "Tylor " now who was much easier target.. Clay didn't know or care he was just happy that he could safely blind to the background once more...  
.....................

Tony was was the son of the mechanic who fixed his dad car and by some coincidence he happened to go to Clay's high school, too.

More than once ,Clay found himself admiring the Latino boy who was so cool and who had self confidence in his little finger more than Clay's could ever manage to master in his whole life. Tony wore leather jackets, drove a cool car and had so many freinds. Still, he was humble and kind to less cool people, namely Clay, who found himself throwing him a shy ' hi' whenever he saw him.  
Accuretly enough though, they were not true friends, not till Hannah little stunt at least..  
Tony like many others thought that Clay had a crush on Hannah and after hearing the tapes he seemed to take some vow on himself to help/protect Clay.  
Little did he know though that he would be opening a can of worms since Clay Jensen had more in his pocket than just sadness about losing a potential girlfriend.  
With every passing day Clay found himself leaning to the Latino boy's kindness, and thrive on his caring, and how not?! When Tony was the first person that showed enough appeal to save him and care about his wellbeing. ..  
And that was how Clay realised how much he loved to be the centre of someone's attention and how much he would fight so he doesn't lose that.  
.........................

Despite stealing his idea , Hannah's suicide was the begging of a new era.  
The school went crazy about psychological evaluation and anti depression programs.  
Support groups and council meetings were an everyday thing and spotlights were thrown on any bullying behaviour since the Bakers were suing the school for what happened to their daughter.  
Personally, Clay was approached with tens of students and teachers asking about his feelings and his wellbeing since he was Hannah's friend and all. He was surprised at first but then he found himself again falling in love with all the attention.  
For the first time in his life people were noticing him for something other than being an easy target of bullying . Even his parents asked him , although subtly, about the incident and told him that they were glad it wasn't him and that he was alright.  
Pathetic as it sounds, it was a changing point in his life.  
One day, he woke up with an idea. Hannah might had taken his chance to be the infamous boy whom he killed himself but she also gave him a chance to shine as the heart broken, grieving friend and that was even better.  
He put his theory in test in peer communication class.  
That day Mrs. Bradley asked them to write their ideas about how their future will be for her to read , Clay only wrote ,  
" I can't think about anything as regard my future except for how I miss Hannah and how I would do anything to see her again "

On the spot, the moment Mrs. Bradely read his paper he was rewarded by her worrying eyes looking at him and asking him to wait after class,  
" Clay, I know that Hannah's accident was very difficult on you but when you say " you would do anything to see her again " what exactly do you mean?"

He shrugged, playing it cool, if this was going to work he has to deliver a perfect act,  
" I ... I..don't know , I really miss her"

" Clay, we all do, I know it was hard on you, too but I am really worried , I want you to tell me now and please be honest about it, do you think about hurting yourself if that is how you can see Hannah again?" She asked slowly as if she was walking on eggshells. 

" No..I ..mean..I don't really know " he said looking at the floor and not meeting her eyes ,still he heard her sharp intake of breath,  
" Clay , you need to go and see Mr. Porter, I will tell him to expect you during lunch "

So this how he find himself setting in Mr.Porter office delivering yet another perfect act of a confused sad teenager who misses his friend terribly and apparently could hurt himself, too.  
Still, he knew he would have won an academy award for the act when he went home to find both his parents waiting for him with worried faces after receiving a notification from school regarding him.

It was the first time in years that his mom hugged him and his dad made a full conversation with him. And despite his fake tears he went to sleep with a smile on his face that night.  
.................

They had breakfast as a family for the first time in life and his Mom and dad were attentive to what he was saying no matter what bullshit that was.  
Apparently, all he needed from now on is to fake being suicidal to get their attention. His dad brought him two pill bottles of anti depression and anti anxiety medications that Caly pretended to take every day..

He researched the drugs online , and learned their side effects by heart to fake some of those too.  
Couple of mornings later he was leaning on the toilet shoving two fingers in his throat to puke since vometing was one of the common side effects after all. His parents rushed to the bathroom the moment they heard him being sick and he leaned to his dad warm chest as he pretended he was dizzy, then he spent the whole day enjoying their cooing and their comforting touch.

He sneaked a cup of coffee at night so he ccouldn't go to sleep and told his parents when he knocked on their door that the drugs were making him insomniac and restless, then he broke in to a fit of tears, bubbling about how he was exhausted and sick of not feeling okay, which earned him a spot between both his parents on the couch in front of some stupid TV show on low volume and a cup of hot cocco in hands all while his mom ran a comforting hand on his back and his dad rested a supporting hand on his knee.  
Honestly , he could say it was the best day of his life! ! He had them wrapped around his little finger and he could not help but to thrive on their attention.  
Even Tony was comforting and caring when they met the next morning ,and teachers at school were extra gentle ( it seemed that they all got memos about fragile suicidal kids from mr.Porter)..

Which Clay didn't mind at all, he couldn't actually believe he could be more happy.  
......................

He kept faking it every day.  
Crocodile tears and brutal side effects of the pills that he was actually flushing in the toilet every morning.  
His parents were Papa and Mama bears and his school life was great. 

And of course he was very keen on perfecting the role so that no one could ever doubt him, every time he wanted some extra attention he would fake some physical or mental disorder but without making it obvious to anyone watching. .  
Puking, swaying on his feet from dizziness, headaches , weakness ,sleeping problems or crying and pretending to feel disabled with grieve. .  
Yet, when rumours started to spread about Jessica being raped by Bryce at school, every one was talking about it . She didn't show in school for a week which only confirmed the rumours but despite her absence everyone, students and teachers were either talking about what happened or asking about her wellbeing.  
It made Clay jealous. . He wished he was the centre of all this attention. 

When he went home that day he spent the day searching sexual assault and rape victims. There were at least hundreds of websites and support communities on line and he was blown away by the different terms and concepts. It was a whole new world that came with endless possibilities, deep down he knew if he could be part of it his life would change forever..

But ,how?!

Because despite all the temptations , he couldn't just throw himself in some back alley and hope that some crazy dude takes intrest on him , he needed a solid plan and he needed to had it done in his own terms..

Few days later, his head was bounding because of all the Jessica talking at school so he decided to cause himself a minor accident so he could miss school for a day or two and get a break from it. For the following two days, he stopped eating completely , not even a piece of toast , leaving home at time of dinner and telling his parents he would be at Tony's. It was not easy, hunger pains were killing him, but Clay was nothing if not commitment.  
Early third day morning ,he made a set of push ups till his vesion went gray at the edges, then he walked out his room . The next thing he knew he was waking up to his dad's pale face and his mom's silent tears , while he was sprawled at the bottom of stairs where he ended up after passing out and rolling all the way downstairs. He had a sprained ankle and the doctor allowed him 3 days without school where he enjoyed the warmth of his bed and the company of one worried parent a time keeping an eye on him.  
Clay was ecstatic. ..  
....................

One of the pros of being an introvert with no friends was for Clay was to watch and learn things that other people were too busy to notice.  
For example, Clay once heard Liam Minard , a freshman, telling some other kids that Bryce had bad touched him in the lockers room before. Back then , it didn't mean anything, Bryce might be known of being a jerk but he was also a strong and popular student, while this kid was nobody. 

Now though, Clay could not stop thinking that if Bryce really did touch Liam that it meant that he might also sexualy hretsted another boys whom were so scared of him and never spoke..unlike Clay who was planning to get full use out of something like this if it ever happened to him...  
The idea was risky and carried many unexpected outcomes, but Clay loved to imagine how it would be a life changer, how his life would matter to someone, because now, after he knew what it feels to be cherished by other people he couldn't go back to be no one..  
So this was how he spent a whole night making a plan..  
The plan that would change everything. .

....................................

He choose a Friday night, since Friday was when Bryce had one of his crazy parties each weak. He sneaked in late when people started to leave and watched Bryce being already drunk and out of his mind.  
Once every one left and Bryce was snoring on some chair beside the pool , Clay came out of his hiding spot and nudged Bryce awake,  
" wha'.." said the half sleeping boy,

" did you hurt Hannah ?" Clay started wanting his chance to jump on things .

" what are you doing in my house ?!" Asked the now little alarmed Bryce,

" Answer me ! Did you really rape Hannah and Jessica? "

" what if I told you I did , Jensen " the bigger boy stood up and moved closed to Clay who walked slowly till his back hit the wall behind him,  
" what the hell can you do? You can't prove anything, it is my word against some dead chick's"

" so you did t-touch Liam Minard too!" Clay drew up a panicking face ,  
" the freshman , you raped him too?!"  
He watched Bryce face getting confused for a friction of second before he started to laugh loud enough to echo around the large space ,  
" why do you care Jensen? It is not like you can do anything about it! So tell me "  
He gripped the other boy's collar shirt on both his hands,  
" why do you ask ? are you jealous? "

Clay's breath hatched , his hand moved to rest on top of Bryce's , he gave him a look that spoke volumes while bitting his lip,

" maybe" he said and watched Bryce's brow rising to his hair line before he smirked ,  
" well,well, well , what do we have here , you are a whore after all , more than your dead girlfriend had ever been " he moved close and ghosted a breath on the smaller boy's neck ,  
" you are a freaking gay like everyone thought in middle school"  
He started kissing him and Clay just stood there with his back to the wall , allowing it all to happen . when Bryce started undressing him he shoved the older boy lightly which earned him a tight grasp around his wrist,  
" can't play tease then change your mind ,pretty boy"  
Still he shoved lightly couple of times to insure Bryce's fingermarks bruises covered his wrist.  
Once Bryce finished with his Pants and boxers he let go of him and started to move away, making Clay panic for a moment, 

" what? where are going?!"  
" to get a lube , don't worry bitch I will make a good use of you " he heard the bigger boy saying with amused smirk on his face,

" no..no . I like it dry" he said and watched the shock on Bryce's face,

" you don't want lube?!" 

" no...just go on ..shove it inside me"

The older boy was confused now,  
" you don't even want me to prepare you?!"

" no ...I wanna feal the same way Hannah felt" he said and turned his back to the the other boy as an invitation,  
" you are crazy nuts , Jensen , is this some kind of insane way to overcome the guilt you are feeling about your insane girlfriend or maybe it is just a kink of yours?"

" it is not of damn business Bryce, now are you going to do it or should I just put my clothes on and leave to..."

He didnt even had the chance to finish his word when felt Bryce's hands roughly pushing him against the wall,  
" leave?! There is no go back ! You are not going anywhere before I finish, and if you want the whole rape fantasy, I don't mind , your blood will be enough lube for me"

When Bryce finally pushed inside of him in one rough movement, Clay felt his world explode with hot white pain, unbelievable pain,he felt his stomach lurching and his blood boiling like he was going to die, his knee buckled but Bryce's arms kept him steady in place ,  
" you like it?! You freaking like it?! Damn! you are so freaking tight! "

He heard Bryce's words as if coming from behind a wall , his ears were ringing and his heart was hummering.. soon enough, blood started dripping along his thighs making the movement easier even when the pain was getting worse, then few minutes later the older boy's thrusts became shallower and his grunts were louder and that is when Clay knew he was close. The moment he completely stopped moving behind him and was drowned in his haze of mind , Clay started to bang his own head against the wall hard , once twice ,trice ..He must had blacked out since the next moment he opened his eyes, he was sprawled on the cold tile beside the pool , covered with blood and semen with Bryce few steps near him putting on his shirt and saying something along ".. crazy psycho ,who need to go to the nuts house. ."

Then walking in to his house, leaving him there laying down half conscious.  
He stood up ever so slowly and swayed , his head was throbbing hard and he was quite sure he managed to give himself a real concussion. He put on his clothes slowly and made sure to leave a bloody hand print on the wall that he was facing, he didn't even wear his under shirt , he shrid it the best he could with his blurred vision then threw it in the blue water inside the pool..  
Then he started to walk , heavy steps that sent electrical pain along his spine and made his bleeding worse ..his head swam couple of times and he almost lose his conscious again but he pushed himself and kept walking till he was a block or two away from Bryce's house, he then took out his phone, and with trembling fingers he pushed the call button,  
" Clay?!" He heard a sleepy voice..  
" Tony.." he choked , finding the tears easily with how much pain he was in ,  
" Tony ..h-help me , please"

" Clay!! What the hell ! What is wrong ? Are you alright? !" The voice was fully awake now , frantic and scared,

" n-no , Tony ..I th- think m' dying "

He heard what sounded like Spanish swearing on the other end of the line,  
" what you mean you are dying? ! Where the hell are you Clay?! Holy shit"

" I d- don't know...every thing is h-hazy.. m' head hurt'.." 

" No! No! Clay ! Please focus for me ! I beg you man ! Tell me what do see?! Tell me what are you looking at Clay!"  
" don't ..know..there is a s-sign ..'s blurred "

" yes! Yes please,Clay tell me what do you see on the sign ?"

" not sure..." he sobbed.." I think...w 21 av "

" W 21 avenue? ! Is that it Clay?!"

" yeah. ."

" okay man I am on my way I'll call an ambulance right now "

" no!!" He screamed, I was supposed to be Tony finding him, he wanted the other boy to see him like this , he wanted him to have his heart breaking by the sight of his broke and bleeding body,

" no please...n-no am-bulance "

" but Clay if you are badly hurt..."

" please..Please Tony" he sobbed harder until he was gasping for air,

" okay..okay Clay! please calm down I won't call anyone else, I am 7 minutes away from you.."

He waited till he heard Tony's car pull down and the driver door pushed open with so much force, he waited till he heard Tony's running steps and his loud gasp when he saw him half laying down on the pavement with a huge blood stain on the back of his pans, he waited till Tony hoisted him up to his chest while he was hysterically shouting, he knew then everything would be alright , Clay peacefully closed his eyes ,allowing himself to go to sleep..  
...................................


	2. The forbidden fruit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning of messed up mind..  
> But mental illness takes alot of shapes and colours..

He woke up, but before he ever open his eyes he was able to clearly hear hushed voices and feel a warm hand engulfing his own. His head was throbbing though, so when he finally decided to open his eyes he did it slowly and carefully,  
" Clay , sweetheart. ." He heard his mom voice anxious and high pitched.

Bing bing bing.. success!

" baby ..."  
She said the moment he opened his eyes , crying softly and squeezing his hand . He tried to shift and lean towards her but electrical pain shot through his back making him moan in discomfort.  
His mom caught it and panicked a little ,  
" no sweetie no don't try to move" she said while she held his head to her chest and kissed the top of his hair.  
It was the first time for clay to witness such a fevered reaction from her, it felt strange, warming and satisfactory in a way he knew he would grow very attached to . He melted in her warmth and let himself relax ,deciding that the show act would go on again after just a moment , he just needed to rest his eyes a bit..  
...........................

When he woke up again , both his parents and a woman in a white coat where standing on both sides of his hospital bed as if they were expecting him to wake, the headache was a dull bother now so he easily shifted his eyes around without the need to squint at them ,  
" where am I ?" He asked even though he knew exactly where he was but Clay was nothing if not an authentic actor and he had practiced the perfect scenario for this play , and right now he just needed to deliver it.  
His parents exchanged a worried look as the doctor cleared her throat,  
" Clay ..I am glad to see you awake...you are in a Saint Joseph general hospital..do you remember what happened? "  
He shook his head faking confusion while she just went on,  
"well ...you had been attacked.." she said strangely like the word was not exactly what she wanted to say,  
" You have a concussion that is why your head hurts and that is why you may have some problem in recalling what happened to you. I am Dr. Jena Lind , I am your treating physician and I don't want you to worry or stress yourself, things will come to you with time"

" well I hope they never do !" His mom half sobbed while he kept a confused expression on his face and glanced to both his parents pale faces, his mom puffy eyes and his dad pasty features,  
" why ? what happened ?! I don't. ...I just.." he stopped suddenly then scrunched his face while he summoned his tears ,  
" oh my god ! Did that really happend ?! I was at ..B- Bryce..and .. he..He. .."  
He gasped ,  
" oh ! I thought it is a nightmare ! Oh god! He he tried. .no he actually. ..!..He. ." Clay started hysterically sobbing and immediately both his parents were on either side holding his hand and shushing him ,  
" Bryce Walker did that to you? " his dad asked afer a second like he was just understanding what Clay stated  
" Bryce Walker?! The kid from your school?! that son of the bitch !" Matt Jensen shouted while almost jumping on the floor , anger radiant from his now shaky form,  
" I am gonna kill him!! "  
He tried to plot towards the room closed door but Clay clutched his sleeve,  
" dad d-don't leave.." he whined like a 4 year old toddler but at that moment no one cared about that, in fact, everyone was so forgiving and sad and empathetic to care, the Doctor's face was covered by a swab of deep bitterness and his mom held him tighter while his dad walked back to his side without a beat of hesitation, he hugged him tight and rubbed his back,  
" I will come back buddy , I just need to tell the cops about what you just told me, they are just outside your door , okay?"  
He tried to move back but Clay didn't let go,  
" cops ?" He asked in small voice as his dad nodded ,  
" of course! Son, you were attacked and hurt! Of course police are imvolved! You have to know that the monster who did that to you will damn pay for what he did! "  
So Clay finally let him go, slightly anxious but more satistfied, he watched as his dad plotted to the door like an arrow and he could hear him shout Bryce Walker name in the middle of arry of curses and threats. .  
Despite that the Doctor told him about a rape kit and deep examination and stuff,  
Clay's heart felt lighter and his soul was in peace ..  
.......................  
Tony stood at the room's door , looking disheveled and shaky more than any time Clay had ever seen him. Not even after Hannah's suicide did Tony look like he was on the verge of having a panic attack or a nervous breakdown, In every other situation the Latino boy was the definition of calm but right now he didn't even bother to hide his flooding tears,  
" Clay..." he whispered broken and moved to the bed hesitantly,  
" Clay... a-are you alright? "  
"Tony ...I was..Bryce ..He r-raped me" he covered his face but not before he saw Tony's face going few shades paler,  
" oh my God.."  
" what I supposed to do now Tony ? My life...It would never be the same..I feel dirty ..I can't look at myself in the mirror "  
He cried and hugged his knees to his chest, feeling like a recored while reciting all the phrases he knew a rape victim would say , he even made sure to flinch when Tony's stretched hand touched his shoulder, after all, he has to have aversion from being touched for a while especially if it was a male who touches him .  
Tony immediately withdrew his hand and frowned, he shook his head slowly,  
" Clay I won't hurt you..I would never hurt you"  
" I ..I know I am sorry I am..." Clay gasped,  
"He ruined me..Tony I am sorry"  
The shorter boy appeared to be fighting with himself, he wanted to extend his arm and comfort the sobbing boy so bad but at the same time he was afraid he would hurt him ,  
" don't be sorry Clay ..It is okay.. I understand. .just please..stop crying. .please"  
" Tony I am scared.."  
" hey..It is okay..you don't need to be scared ..We got you now, your parents and me ..We won't let anything bad happen to you "  
Clay rose his head and looked at Tony's twitching face , he extended his own arm towards the Latino in a silent order to get closer, which Tony took immediately as he walked to Clay and encircled his arms around the other boy's shoulders in a tight hug,  
" Clay I thought I lost you.." he sniffed,  
" all the blood...god.. I thought I lost you.. and I almost lost my mind"  
Clay rolled his eyes aginst Tony's shoulder and smirked , Tony was easier to fool around more than he had ever thought.  
" Clay you are my best friend. .I can't lose you " Tony's voice cracked and he held him tighter ,  
" Tony ...would you promise me not to leave me ever?"  
" of course Clay...I won't leave you..Clay ..you will always have me"  
" even now...when I am ruined " Clay said the same moment he felt Tony's shudder beneath him,  
" hey ,hey " Tony moved away to look at his eyes,  
" Clay you are not ruined !. .you are perfect you hear me! You are just perfect!"  
It sounded heavenly ..  
' you are perfect..' ...  
It was the first time Clay Jensen was called perfect..  
.......................

It was emotionally draining. ..  
To play the role of trumatized kid 24/7 , fake tears , fake panic attacks , fake inability to carry on with a conversation that was supposed to be too hard and emotional, like when the cops talked to him two days after he woke up in the hospital and told him Bryce denied everything and claimed that Clay was the one who went to his house and asked him for Sex , well, it was expected but it was still irritating. .  
Clay had to fake a nervous breakdown then because what else a rape victim would do if he was accused of such a thing?!  
Of course it was not like Bryce could prove anything anyway, Clay planned this after all and he planned it so freaking good! But still, in the middle of all the attention he was receiving, mentioning Bryce was a mood killer and he wanted to get rid of him to enjoy this new life as much as he could. .  
So he told the cops that he went to Bryce house to ask him about the rumours about Jessica, because Jessica was his friend and also Hannah's and everyone knows he was close to Hannah, so he just wanted to talk to Bryce, he didn't know the boy was wasted at the time and he definitely didn't imagine that he was dangerous to him!!

" I asked him about Jessica and he said that may be he did it, and so ? No one can prove anything, I felt so angry, I mouthed off a little, told him he was a freaking jerk and to burn in hell. . but that is it ... I just turned away to leave but then he just grasped my wrists and pushed me to the wall, hard, I don't know what happened next , I think I blacked out or something, every thing was a blur and my head was hurting so bad , so so bad , I tried..I mean when I felt his hands under my shirt god! I tried to push him I swear I did but ...  
but he was so strong you know?! He is the the basketball team's captain ..so he easily pinned me down like I was nothing! Then he.. ripped ..my shirt away , I kept squirming.. but my head was spinning and , God...I don't think I can do this.." he sobbed

" shhhh kiddo " his dad said patting his arm ,  
" please officer I think he already had enough "  
" sorry sir but we need to have a complete statement, I know it is hard son so take all the time you need "

" but you already had all the evidences that is needed for that f $#=%r Walker to rot in jail! " his dad yelled since the hospital had already done a rape kit on Clay the moment he was admitted and the police had already found his blood and his ripped shirt at Bryce' s pool , but still the cop insisted,

" sir , it is important to record Clay's words , this is one of the strongest evidences that needed to put the person who did that behind bars"

" it is okay dad..I have to say this..." he said drawing a tired face .  
He took a deep breath,  
" I felt too weak and... I couldn't push him..time was scrambled, you know? One moment he is ripping my shirt the next I feel that sharp pain like someone stabbed me.."

He looked at his dad , his face was pale and contracted like he was physically in pain and Clay chuckled a little inside his head,  
" I was screaming. .pleading him to s-stop,.. but he didn't. ." He buried his face in his dad shoulder and sobbed hard , everyone was on the prank of crying themselves, their eyes shinning with pity and sympathy.

For Clay, he felt like a performer on stage , under a lone spotlight with all the eyes on him. He was geniusly delivering his best performance yet to come, skillfuly knitting a horrific story by strings that only were brought through his imagination but it was so convincing that everyone was now blindly believing him,  
" I started getting dizzy ... I felt like I was dying. .pain and haze..I. .was so scared.." he stopped and they gave him a break after that so he could finish the story latter..  
Laying in his hospital bed, Clay smiled , feeling invincible as everyone around him sighed and blink the tears , if anyone had a doubt before now they all believed him without a second thought. ..  
..........................

Dr Lind released him from the hospital a week later.. His mom and Tony never left his side while his dad driving the car back home..  
They put him in bed and they brought him a cup of tea , sad eyes and reassuring touches, hushed whispers and unushered tears..  
It had to feel so sad..even just a little. .  
But it was the complete opposite. .Clay Jensen was happier that he had ever been in all his life..  
..............

He didn't feel ashamed, not even when he heard his mom crying all night and his dad looking like he aged 10 years in few days, not when Tony had dark bags under his eyes and his leather jacket dangled at his shoulders because of how much weight he had lost. Not when doctors and nurses saw him naked or when a psychologist approached him like he was made of glass, he was certainly not ashamed to be approached by strangers in school offering him hugs and prayers, teachers praising him and being soft and gentle towards him , Jessica and Justen eyeing him with a glint of gratfullness and much of kindness, his parents telling him he was so brave and that they are proud of him , and Tony driving him to the beach and to freaking every other great place that he could drive to just cause he thought it would take his mind away from bad memories . ...  
So, yeah, who could ever blame him?! Clay would never be ashamed he had to fake it to have real parents and one genuine best friend , he won't apologise for wanting to feel valued , cherished and important, he would not apologise for wanting to be loved..  
... .

He was sitting at one of the benches at the gymhall , not playing again since he didn't feel like practicing today and his coach was nice enough for not make him do anything that he was not comfortable with, AKA another perk for being emotionally fragile rape victim..  
The other players of the basketball team were just finishing when the coach told them to to hit the showers the same moment Justin saw Clay picking up his bag and leaving , he waited for him to actually exit the hall before he started following him , not wanting any of the other kids to hear them,  
" Hey Clay...wait" he said then walked til he reached Clay whom was standing few steps away from the School gate ,  
" yes Justin? "  
" are you going home?"  
" I am ...This is the last period of the day isn't it?"  
" yeah ...but I was wondering if you are like, have some free time, for a little bit.. I mean I really need to talk to you about something "  
" Justin I don't feel so good right now I need to go home and lay down "  
" oh ..oh what is it ? You need to go to the nurse or something? "  
" no ..just need to go home"  
" oh ...so maybe I can walk you to your bike then?"  
" I don't drive my bike anymore, Tony drives me to school "  
" Tony?"  
" yeah Tony, he will be here the moment the bell ring"  
" oh then I can keep you company till he shows"  
" Justin ..It is few minutes only and you better go and shower like coach said"  
" yeah sure but I really need to talk to you about something. .you are the only one who can understand "  
" okay, whatever, just say what you want to say.."  
"Okay...It is just that I want to ask you ..how does it feel? What Bryce did? I mean...God that sounds stupid but I need to know what is it like for Jessica?"

Oh Jessica..not Clay.. okay..  
Clay was not happy but okay..

" what do you think .....it was awful "  
It must be if he really went through it it would feel really awful.. He just staged it but it was still awful enough,  
  
" oh god!.." Justin bit his lip, " I know it won't be pleasing but..."

"Pleasing?! Are you freaking crazy?! " Clay almost laughed but he manged to keep his face schooled,  
"For Jessica maybe ...I mean at least she was drunk but me ...I felt every damn think "

" oh my god! "

" I mean at least Jessica is a girl. But me.. I had never done that before. .and Bryce didn't waste his time preparing me ..he just took me.."  
Justin looked like he was about to pass out , a horrified look fixing his features , but Clay loved this exact moment that people get shocked and speechless, so he went on,

" Jessica didn't had her blood as the only lubricant during the whole thing ..and she had you waiting few steps away to take care of her..but me.. I was left in a pool of my blood alone and half conscious "

" Clay ..I ...."  
Justin eyes were shining with tears ,  
" I didn't imagine how much worse it was for you..I ...oh god I am so sorry"  
Yes Clay was hurt , feel sorry for Clay , be gentle and kind to poor little Clay..  
" I only went to to his house to make him confess that he raped Jessica. .."

Justin face turned even a paler shade with guilt ,  
" you shouldnt Clay! Jessica is my girlfriend not yours you didn't have to do that for her"

" well, someone had to Justin , because you are a cowered and you kept pretending it didn't happen, so I had to do it for you.."

" Clay .."

"I had to go through that because you were so weak to do it yourself "  
" I. ..I. ."  
" so this horrible kind of life I am dealing with now is partially your fault Justin ..I am in so much pain , I have nightmares about it ..I cry in shower because of it "  
" Clay...Clay..I don't know what to say. .I am so so sorry man ..I am really sorry"  
" good..now make sure to remember that" he said ,  
" make sure everyone remember that .I can't deal with bullshit again in my life"

He said as he was walking out with a small smile on his face...  
................................

All the eyes turned to him the moment he entered any room , looks exchanged , sweet words from strangers about how strong and brave he was., even when some jerk at school tried to bother him about anything including the thing with Bryce , several people would fight for him then apologise for what happened like it was their fault..  
No one wanted to hurt his feeling and everyone wanted to make him happy .  
In his birthday, his parents took him to the beach , they brought him a car and they hugged him and kissed him and praised him..  
And when they went home, Tony was waiting for him at the porch, he took him out to some bar that doesn't care about IDs or minor drinking and then he brought him a beer..  
He found it hard to maintain the whole facade all the time so just for a day he allowed it to crack .  
He didn't bother covering his wide smile or the fact that he was having so much fun , Tony somehow thought it was because he was getting better, that he is recovering what had happened to him and Clay decided to let it slide for one night but he was intending to fix it later , because of course not! he was not getting better, he would for ever be the sad broken boy that everyone adore and protect...  
..........................

He stayed in bed the next day, crocodile tears thick and hot on his face, he refused to eat and told his parents he was feeling empty and broken ..  
Somehow, lying about what he feels was never difficult, choosing the most hurtful words to elicit a huge reaction came naturally to him , despite his sad face every time he cried he felt happier inside his mind , he felt more skillful , more adequate and worthy ..Sometimes he didn't even registere doing it ,sometimes his parents would be arguing and he suddenly finds himself leaning on the toilet, shoving his fingers in his throat and vomiting because he knew that they would hear him and immediately come to help and thus stop fighting.  
Sometimes he felt exhausted of doing painful things to himself but the outcomes were much more satisfying for him to ever stop..  
So he never stopped. .  
............................

The school year rolled and with summer vacation every thing in Clay's life started to full apart like a sandcastle getting washed away by a strong wave.  
Tony had to travel with his family to Mexico to spend summer with his grand parents, and Clay's parents went back to work because apparently they couldn't stay home forever. So, he found himself once again alone in his room , laying in bed all day..

He tried asking his mom to stay home with him but she only smiled , hugged him and told him she has to work and that she would be home by dinner as if he was a 5 year old,  
" what if I got sick ?" He lamely asked..

" then you take your drugs sweetie , I left them at the kitchen's counter so you can find them if you need them"  
" what if I felt depressed or sad ?"  
" sweetheart, dad and I would be home as soon as we can, you can call me if something happened, plus, it is summer, you don't have to stay home all day, go out, meet people, live your life "  
" mom you know I can't do that ,I can't be around people much"  
" well , I would like it if you try , you are doing much better, your psychologist say you are doing magnificent job in therapy and you are ready"  
" mom I only want you and dad to be around "  
" and we will, the moment we come home we will have a big nice dinner together, and we already have breakfast to gather everyday, but sweetie, you know we have to work ..we can't afford anything otherwise including your college money , so now, come on try this for me okay"

No not okay, not okay at all.. but right now he couldn't do anything more about it..  
So he let her go...  
.................................  
"Hello , Jessica. .."  
" who's that ?"  
" it is Clay "  
" oh Clay ..hi ..I am sorry I am still half asleep, what is up?"  
" I don't feel alright. .."  
" Clay?! What do you mean?"  
" I know it had been months but....I can't stop thinking about it and now my parents are at work , Tony is out of town , and I can't take my mind out of it"  
" oh Clay...I ..you don't have to stay by yourself then , come to my house, or we can go out , whatever you like "  
" Can you come to my house..I don't feel like leaving my room right now?"  
" oh..okay I will be there in 30 min"  
...................

" hey..come on , go change your clothes , laying down in bed all day is depressing "

" but I don't feel like it"

" Clay , come on , I know how it feels and believe me locking yourself in your room all day won't change anything "  
He glanced at her , he didn't want to go out , he wanted to hear reassuring words and get some comforting touches , but apparently things were not going to happen like he wanted , so he reluctantly put on some jeans and shirt and hopped inside her car.  
But then she drove him to a freaking church charity house of all places! He was so frustrated with her and he looked at her angry and about to argue, but he found her grinning at him from ear to ear ,  
" I spend most of my time here now, it makes me feel strong , in control , because here you can make a difference in people's life and you are not just the poor pathetic raped kid , no one here treats you differently , you can get better here"

But that was not what he wanted , he wanted to be treated differently, he wanted to be looked at as the poor raped boy ,  
" no Jessica no , I can't , I don't want to go there"  
" but why ? I know you are afraid now , I was at your position not so long time ago , I understand.. but believe me It does help, alot..this place, I promise it helps"

" no Jessica I don't want to. .I can't help others when I am utterly broken, I am not ready "  
" Clay .."  
" you don't understand"  
" of course I do ! I was raped by freaking Bryce too you know? "  
" it was not the same Jessica it was so much worse for me"  
" yeah ? Why because you were sober ?because you were hit ? Because you are a boy?"  
" yes ! Because all of this!"

" well I am sorry Clay but rape is rape and I may not had been fully awake when he did it but I remember enough to feel my skin crawl everytime some one look at me , clay I want you to get better..I know you could never forget it but it doesn't have to control your life ! Bryce already took too much so don't allow him to take everything else in your life ".  
But the broken life she was despising it so much was the exact defintion of Clay's perfect life , it was the best version of life that he had ever had , he did not have anything before, and now he was loved and valued! .He would love to forever be pitiful and broken if he didn't have to go back to the pit hole of life he had before,

" Jessica I won't go in to this place .that is not what I need"  
" then what do you need Clay?! Someone to hold your hand and apologise?! Someone who treat you like breakable china?!"  
" yes..yes, okay? "

" then go home Clay..I won't be this person, I refuse for this to be anyone's life, we are better than that"  
" you're abounding me?! I thought you of all people would understand.."  
" I do understand. .and I am trying to help. .but you for some reason don't want to leave this bullshit behind your back and I don't know any other way to help you"  
..............................

He shoved the door angry behind him the moment he entered the house.  
Holy shit.. Jessica! Oh that bitch!!

He screamed in frustration and started pacing , anger boiling inside his veins because this was wrong ! all damn wrong! He shouldn't had called her..ahhhhh..that bitch! Who did she think she is ! Did she think she is better than him ?! Did she think he is an attention whore ?( so what if he was) , he hated this feeling ! She was trying too hard to prove to him that every thing was okay and they should go back to their lives now like nothing ever happened! But NO! Hell NO! He worked hard on this! He worked damn hard on this!  
He wouldn't go back to be the invisible worthless piece of shit again!  
He found himself unconsciously pulling his hair, violently, but if there should be pain ,it was lost in the haze of anger and the feeling of being threatened. .  
His world was falling apart!  
He hurried to his phone and started dialing his mom' s number,  
" Hello .." she said and he felt relieved ,

" mom " he started but she cut him shortly,  
" Clay honey I am in the middle of a meeting now , I will call you in an hour" he heard paper shuffling and voices at the background,  
" but mom I just puked and my head hurt real bad..."  
she stopped him again , impatience lacing her tone,  
" sweetie there are a bottle of Advil in the medicine cabinet, take two..I will call you when I finish okay...love you, bye.."

" but ..."  
He screamed in frustration and broke the first glass he found, shuttering it in to pieces.  
..................

He was furious!  
How the hell did everything went wrong so fast , what the hell was he supposed to do now!  
" dad.." he tried but like the previous few times, there was no answer'  
" you reached Matt Jensen voice mail please leave a message "

His voice was quivering with anger but he tried to make it sound like he was ill and crying instead,  
" shit. .. dad I am really sick can you come home now"  
After 5 minutes,  
" you reached Matt Jensen voice mail please leave a message "  
Clay was full blown crying now and he was not even pretending , his chest was tight with anger and fear of losing everything and going back to his old shitty self,  
" dad I. .need you to come home NOW!"

Then ,  
" dad ...I am seriously sick please call me"

Then,  
" dad..answer me..I need you "  
He was pulling his hair again, his hands covered with bloody scratches that he did it to himself,  
" dad I am seriously in a freaking bad head space right now I don't know how to control what I am feeling and I think I am going to do something stupid if you don't talk to me right now! "

The house was a mess, broken glass and fallen furniture pieces everywhere,  
" mom is not answering and you are not answering too ...do you hate me? Are you ashamed of me? Are you ignoring me in purpose again? Please answer..I. . I will be better dad I promise. . Just ..talk to me"  
Then,  
He was laying with his back to the bathroom door, his phone was on speaker few inches from his extending arm, blood was flooding freely ,  
" I. .did something bad to myself dad I. .shit.. there is blood everywhere "  
...................

 


	3. The Maze of lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry it had been forever since I last updated. .I hope this chapter makes up for the long wait..

" But I thought that you love me!"  
Said Clay with a flushed face and pouring tears, rocking in his chair with his arms around his knees .  
After being resuscitated in the E.R and his wrist being stitched , the doctors subjected him to psych evaluation for attempting suicide, and his parents had been advised to admit him to a psychiatric institution for at least 3 months to make sure he receives the profissenal help that he needed.  
For Clay, it meant the end of the world as he knows it. In mental facilties, no one will be sympathetic to a suicidal seemingly depressed kid, they will drug him on daily basis, make him see shrinks and participate in dull group conversations with apathic and insane people. No one would care about his headaches and dizzy spills , no one would care if he had a hundred other side effect because everyone else does too , plus ,they would probably take extra cution to insure he is swallowing his pills and not just hiding them under his tongue till he get the chance to flush them in the toilet, which means that they may even succeed in turning him in to a drugged lifeless body , sprawled on a cold bed all day and night.

It was wrong!! ALL FREAKING WRONG! !  
Everything he had been doing was for the sole sake of getting everyone attention, love and care, and being trapped in that place would interfere with that horribly...  
He cried hard and begged his parents not to do that to him..He promised not to try to hurt himself again if they took him home, all while holding his mom tight as if he was a baby with separation anxiety. .  
But nothing worked...  
Behind the guilt and pain in his parents eyes , there was a steal will of doing the right thing after they thought they were going to lose him. His dad told him they will see him every week after the first month and that, they are only doing that because they love him so much but don't have enough skills to help him the way he really need..  
His mom told him she loves him more than anything in the world when she pat his back and kissed his cheek before letting him go and rushing to the car behind his dad..leaving him alone with some emotionless nurse , who didn't even spare him a look when she asked him to follow her to where his room was going to be.  
Clay felt betrayed and angry but mostly stupid for letting things go this way .. He shouldn't try to slit his wrists..  
It was the wrong move... and now he was going to pay for it. .  
...............................  
Alex Standall is his room mate...  
What a freaking irony!!  
The kid had to survive shooting himself in the head only to be thrown at the same room in mental hospital with one of the kids who pushed him to try and kill himself in the first place..  
Clay eyes him with suspecion for few hours till it is obvious to him that Alex is deeply drowned in his own world..He is staring to the ceiling with unblinking eyes even when the nurse shoves Clay and his blanket and lace less shoes in the bed next to the one Alex is laying on, few hours pass and the blonde's position doesn't change, he doesn't talk or look anywhere else and Clay is not even sure the kid acknowledges his presence at all ..when Clay gets close enough to look at him , he notices the dent on the right side of his head where a thick hairless scar is present, he doesn't know if Alex had really survived being shot in the head or is it the kid's dad way to cover for the fact that his son has been lift with permanent brain damage, no one really cared enough to make sure the blonde was okay, he had no real friends and whatever he was going through, he just dealt with it on his own, unlike Clay who was making sure to publicly promote his fake sufferings and issues. .  
Clay shrugged and rolled his eyes,  
What is the purpose of getting through all the troubles of mental suffering if people didn't use all the public sympathy they receive in return? Is not the cause of psychological disturbance in the first place is the lack of other people's love and support? ! Is not the reason Hanah Baker killed herself for? Being undervalued and getting bullied by a bunch of other kids?  
It is boring...Clay decided. ..  
Alex was borrrrring. .. but at the same time the current situation would be giving Clay the perfect space to do whatever he wanted to do without the fear if being reported to someone in that place, luckily for him, poor Standall was nothing more than catatonic. .  
....................................  
He faked a bad headache the next morning for not to attend the breakfast in the dining room with every other patient , but the nurse only held her light torch in to his eyes for a second, checked his vitals, before she warned him that he if faked being sick one more time his stay would be prolonged, his drugs would be doubled and he won't be having breakfast since late arrivals gets no food ...  
She lift him with his mouth gaping at her ,standing by the agar door with her warning still fresh in his ears..  
She didn't even waste extra minute on him..  
And oh boy. Didn't Clay feel angry?!  
He was fuming, humiliated and scared! What if that would be his life from now?  
He walked down the stairs looking for sympathy in people's eyes but in fact , everyone was looking to thier feet and no one spared him a look..  
Not the doctors, and definitely not the nurses or the huge men who weren't really nurses but they only wore the uniform so they can walk between the patients and make sure no one was making troubles...  
They broke fights and they made sure everyone was swallowing their pills , they made random rooms search for hidden sharp tools or illegal drugs, and as there cold eyes rummaged the patient's faces for any sign of rebel, Clay found himself looking at the floor for not to make eyecontact..  
Later on, he learned that they were called the "Gaurds " and they were going to be his worst nightmare from now on. 

..........

The first week was horrible. .  
Clay found himself totally lost when it came to what to do to get the upper hand again. His usual techniques proved to be total failure one after the other. The shrink who was attending his group therapy session was a blunt woman who looked at him as if she can see his soul with her piercing eyes, all his attempts to make her feel sorry for him back fired when instead of giving him encouraging words , she ended up adding more pills to what he already was taking. Like Jessica, the woman's mantra was to try and make things better and to get control over what he was feeling.  
And for that, she didn't believe it can happen unless he gave up his sympathy seeking attitude.  
He didn't have anyone to talk to for awhile , they took his phone in the first day and he wasn't allowed to use the payphone or the Internet for the first month. It was driving him crazy!! The lack of communication with any source of support like that , in his isolation, Clay felt himself slowly slipping in to his old life, being ignored and useless as if he was nobody.. and it hurts him..so much that he was considering suicide for real bur for now he had no tools to do it .  
But for now even killing himself was a far dream, he was forced to follow orders like a mindless zombie, like every other person in that doomed place, he felt that he was losing the battle.  
......................  
Clay is dragging himself on the stairs when someone collides with him and when he rises his head to see who is that person , he meets the face of scrawny Asian girl with half buzzed head and an eye brow ring .  
She is tiny , couldn't be older than twelve or thirteen but the way she smirks and winks at him before she flees, makes her look way older and stronger than her tiny frame suggests. .  
Clay is surprised that she doesn't look as drugged and dull as the rest of the people around that place and he wonders if she is a patient at all..  
Few days later, he sees her again standning in a queue to get medications like the rest of them only that she doesn’t looks as dead as the others..  
He forgets about her for a while and focuses on fighting the drugs seeping into his system and making him feel drowsy, He knows he is lucky that the doctor is starting gradually and he is not on the full dose yet, otherwise he woudnt be strong enough to fight at all , still, what can he really do ? Not really much...  
He tries to vomit all the pills but the guards never let anyone leave to the bathroom without being accompanied for the first 2 hours following the dose to make sure no one pukes the pills , he also knows the drugs he is taking are fat soluble from his online reading about them when his dad brought similar stuff home for him, so Clay avoid all greasy food and meat and eat only vegetables with water.  
He hurries to the bathroom and make himself puke once the 2 hours period ends but despite everything, he can still feel his mind goes cloudy with the traces of medicine that stubbornly get absorbed. .  
" bss" he hears someone hissing somewhere near him , his eyes are blinking slowly when he turn to the side and sees the little Asian girl from earlier looking directly at him , she smirks and ushers him to come which spikes his curiosity all of a sudden, he pushes himself and stands with difficulty , the room spinning as he walks slowly towards her.  
He is sitting in the library with almost every other patient, no guards in the view since all the patients are drugged up to their asses, staring at nothing as their empty eyes roam through the dull shapes of the dusty books,  
" I can help you " the Asian girl says when Clay approaches her,  
" open your mouth and get at your knees"  
She orders and Clay though frowns , still opays her.  
She looks at his mouth then hums in satisfaction befor she takes some sort of a pointed nail from her pocket and with couple of swift movements, she pushes throw his upper teeth and break the two fillers he had in them ,  
" next time you have to take the pills push them inside the holes in your teeth" she says while Clay looks at her face, the image in front of his eyes dancing and her voice echoing slowly,  
" hope your toasted brain gets it " he hears her say ,  
" find me when you are sopper" she tells him and winks again before she walks away..  
Luckly, Clay gets it, all of it....  
Next time he put the pills in his mouth , they found there way to the holes in his upper teeth, and for the first time in 2 weeks he is sopper for a whole day..  
........  
" the name is Vida , it is Spanish ,means life but some call me " Viper" as the snake ,and as much as I like the shitty symbolism and all ,I really prefer the latter"  
Clay nods , he feels little nervous about the way this girl eyes him as if she can see through his soul,  
" good trick you had there. .but why would you help me" he asks,  
Vida smirks, and Clay notices that one of her front teeth is broken ,  
" cause I want something from you " she says, then sighs,  
" I want Alex"  
Clay frowns, " Excuse me, Alex...?!"  
"Yeah.. Alex..Alex Standell ..your roommate. .The Angel.."  
She says with a yellow smile ,  
" I dreamt about him..about us..I like him.."  
She hisses  
" he is perfect.."  
Clay's feel the little hairs on the back of his neck standing as he watches her tongue swirls around the words she speaks and now he understands why she is being called " viper" ,

" and how do I can help you with that?..It is not like I can talk to him about you or something. .He is catatonic in case you didn't know. ."

" oh I do know.." she smirks..  
"It is even better..that is why he won't mind me doing whatever I want with him once I finally put my hands on him"  
Clay swallows hard, but keeps silent , he doesn’t want to think what this Vida/Viper girl really means , she is barely a teenager, more child than anything else, yet she sounds so scary to his own ears,

" I won't ask for much from you though. ." She tells him,  
" I only wants photos and videos of him..preferably naked in the shower "  
Clay let's out a nervous laugh,  
" a guard accompanies Alex while in showers,since he can’t support himself so I can’t get anywhere near him..plus..They took my phone in first day I got here"  
She rolls her eyes,  
" I know silly ! I have a spare one that I will get you ,but the guard thing is your problem to figure, it is the least you can do if you want me to help you.."  
She moves close to Clay , tracing his wrist with her thin bony fingers,  
" don't you want my help getting out of this shit hole?"  
Clay tenses under her touch, he breaths slowly feeling as if her touch was burning him,  
" H-how?" He stumbles and she tightens her fingers around him making his breath catches with a mixture of fear and excitement,  
" peace of cake...I am going to beat the shit out of you" she smirks and pulls him down strong enough that he feels his knee gives out and he kneels down, his eyes meets hers , and h swears he is looking at the devil's eyes,

"It is written all over your face " she says tracing his cheek bones  
" you like to to give yourself a good deal of pain so that people can notice you"  
She tilts her head and rises her eyebrow,  
" such an attention whore. . I know your type..met enough in my life to see the signs , apparently though, you were not smart enough to play your little game the way you had to play it so you manged to get yourself caught in the process"  
Clay swallows hard, his Adam's apple popping and he shrugs while Vida shakes her head,  
"Such an amateur. .but it is my win now. "  
She sighs and shakes her head,  
" you are in the exile now blue eyes,  
No one here gives a fig about your sorry ass, the only way you can ever get out of here, is for your parents, whom I guess put you here in the first place, well,they need to be convinced that something horrible is happening to you inside this place, for example, the guards here are hitting you when you little poor drugged thing can't defend yourself, in fact , they hit you so bad that you would end up in the hospital ...  
But of course, that would matter if your parents , in fact, do care about you, cause if they just dropped you here to get rid of you then I guess it won't really matter if you get hit or not, but , let us say at least, it will still be a change of scenery for you and the doctors in a real hospital are definitely easier to fool than the bitchs around here, so what do you say? "  
Clay bits his bottom lip, he doesn't have a doubt he is making a deal with a demon right now, but it doesn't matter, he doesn't mind selling his soul if it meant getting out this place,  
" my parents care" he confirms , at least to him self.  
Viper doesn't seem to really care, she smirks in a way that tells that she had never lost an argument before, she knows her shit,  
" whatever you think, blue eyes , I don't care what shit you tell yourself at night so you can go to sleep.." she walks around him in a circle while he follows her with his eyes,  
" To be convincing though, it has to be done in the right way, see, you will get examined by forensics so your injuries can't be self inflected, also, the said injuries need to vary in age, yellow bruise here, a red one there, you need to get them buy your story"

Clays nods, she is something else indeed, he finds himself admiring her , her cleverness keeps impressing him the more she talked,  
" you need to be drugged enough when they take you to the hospital, this is your strongest prove of you being a poor little victim"  
" and that what you help me with, right?" He whispers in awe, mesmerised by her beautiful plan for him to escape this horrible place,  
Viper leans towards him and pulls his shirt with both hands tell ther lips at the same level, almost touching , her thin tongue licks his dry lips,  
" you like to take pain and I like to give it, so why the hell not?!" she whispers back ,  
" plus I got my bonus videos. .and maybe your parents end up suing this place , and I get the hell out of here where I can have my freaking angel to myself .. Everyone wins!!"  
Clay nods.." I am in" he smiles,  
" Viper..Please..hurt me. .hurt me good.."

She smiles her ugly yellow smile,  
" baby ..you don't need to ask twice"

..... 

Clay pretends to go to sleep when the guard comes to drag a clueless Alex to the showers.  
He knows that manipulating Alex's rigid body is difficult to the guard, so he pulls the door close behind him without even bothering to lock it with a key and that is how Clay maneges to follow them .  
He videos from as close as he can get and hopes it is enough to Viper, and it does prove enough when she watches the short clips with a hungry Lust in her eyes that sends a shiver down Clay's spine before she gives him one of her disturbing yellow smiles..  
" god job for an amateur " she says, then asks him to follow where she takes him in to some deserted room in the back of the building. He watches her sneaking behind the guards' backs with great skills, blending with the shadows when they turn toward the direction she is walking , but then one of the guards catches her with Clay in her footsteps and glares at them. Clay's breath hatches and he swears his heart misses a beat , but Viper doesn't waver , she winks at the glaring guard and Clay watches the angry man breaks in to a sly grin,  
" don't worry about him" she assures Clay,  
" we are friends with benifits "

Clay only swallows s at that , he feels a lot of feelings at once, but mostly he wishes that he had met Viper a long time ago , he believes that he had missed a lot before stumbling upon he.  
When they finally reaches the gloomy room , Viper doesn't waste anytime, she reaches for a leather belt in one of the corners and licks her lips enthusiastically ,  
" now..let's start your abuse amateur, uncover your back"  
Clay smiles in matching enthusiasm and throws his shirt off..  
He can't wait for the pain to swallow his world..

**Author's Note:**

> Your opinions matter to me , I would like to know what do think?


End file.
